“Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston S. Churchill
I had a very different opinion on success at 18-20 than I do at 35. When I was raped at 18 I stuffed it down and said nothing. Because I had a reputation. I had dreams and aspirations. In 2006 my reputation would’ve been the one ruined. So why bother saying anything?
I believed in hard work over everything. Relationships, friendships, kindness.
I believed it was the answer to getting what I wanted out of life – and that life plays “fair”.
But life plays the game dirtier than a $10 hooker.
And the honest, the hard workers, are frequently not the ones who win.
I still don’t know why I was kicked off crew – I was intense, disliked, and vocal about the incompetence of my teammates and coach. That likely played a part.
I broke my finger running a half marathon and that was used as the “excuse” – but another girl broke her hand drinking. She was better liked.
When I broke that finger I had lost 40lbs, I was starving myself, my heartrate was 43 and some of my roommates asked if I had an eating disorder, which I denied.
A simple fall should not have been enough to break a bone, to snap it in half.
I was strong but my desire for “success” was eating me alive from the inside out.
And looking back, 15+ years later, through opened eyes, and a great deal of trauma.
I’m happy I didn’t turn out the way I was headed.
Because everyone I’ve met who is obsessed with success at all costs is an awful person.
And I never would’ve met my partner, who is always chaotically kind, who helps everyone who asks, and keeps nothing for himself.
And I never would’ve learned what it meant to be that way.
How much it can hurt you.
But also, how many people who had so little helped me when they had no need to.
And how few who had every resource available to them did not help.
And the homeless veteran under the bridge who I gave a $10 bill to, who asked me are you sure?
I will never forget that man’s face.
And it is men like that who are the reason I forge forward.
Not Churchill, not any great leader with fancy quotes.
But the man with nothing who worried that I also had very little.
I push forward for men like my partner, and men like him.
Because they are the true heroes.
Laughs and Lobotomies 