Here’s the thing –
A lot of how I existed so long in denial and was because i believed there must be something inherently wrong with me. How could such horrible things have happened and be happening if I didn’t deserve them? It must be me. I must be evil, or crazy, or…..something.
And I don’t hate myself anymore. And I’ve heard said that’s wonderful. I don’t think I’m perfect, but I don’t carry the heavy weight I once did. But that loathing of self is what allowed me to tolerate terrible people and mistreatment for so, so, so long. And I’ve reached a point where I don’t really like anyone. I love my partner. But I don’t believe people are good. That they mean well. I believe they mean me harm. and that I no longer have the energy to waste dealing with them. That ultimately relationships, interactions, friendships, aren’t worth it. That as loud as my own head is. As unpleasant as it is. None are forgiven. None are trusted. And I want to be left alone. And I’m sadder now, not hating myself. Seeing things as they are, is sad. Horribly sad. And I can’t really find the positive of it. It was easier to blame myself.
Laughs and Lobotomies 