But also I’ve written so much I’ve lost track of what I have or haven’t posted, and truth no one bothers to track. Lies, one tallies, aligns, and hangs with a level. To make sure no defect is seen. Truths are messy. And they are as they are.
No one has really…..said anything about all these posts.
And sure some are mixed with stories, or poetry.
But many are the very very real horrors of my life.
I grew up alone. There were people around – but I was alone. I didn’t have mentors. family friends who looked out for me specifically. Close extended family. Close friends my own age either.
I was very much alone.
I’d pace at recess because I’d get bullied. So I’d walk alone. Counting my steps. 1, 2, 3, 4…..until I’d reached the end and turn around and come back and do it the other direction. I’d tried playing with the other kids but it mostly just wasn’t worth it.
I drowned myself in books and school and crafts to avoid life.
And because I was so alone I did not have a benchmark for “normal”.
I don’t really remember ever being happy but I also didn’t put the name rape to what Jacob Heichert did to me at 18 because I spent 22 years not dealing with emotions and thereafter medicated into oblivion. I described what happened to a male friend in my 30s and he said the word. When trauma is constant…..it’s just another weekday afternoon.
And I’m really angry now. I’m suffering now. The “cure” did more damage than the disease. Theres no apologies. No I’m sorries. No outreach from extended family or anything. Like maybe I’ve been telling some fantastical story that didn’t really happen. I. Wish. That. Were. So. It’s not. And maybe I woke from a trance of sorts, I don’t know. The things that happened – did happen. What has changed is how I feel about them. And my response to them.
And I didn’t say anything at the time for many things because I thought no one would believe me.
Or I was on so many psych meds that I didn’t give a flying fuck about anything.
And I keep the Colgan name still. And maybe I will continue to do so, out of spite. A full name is expensive to change and I’d want a clean slate anyway – first, last, all of it gone.
You caused harm. Whatever “side” you tell to the story – is untrue. Show me the receipts.
You are damaged, selfish people and you caused harm.
Laughs and Lobotomies 