I had forgiveness for all the years before.
It was never about my childhood.
The unnecessary treatments – they take their toll.
So when I came to you, I was over a decade on antipsychotics. 150lbs gained. It was COVID. My hair was falling out. My blood pressure was uncontrollable with multiple medications. I could barely walk up stairs. I was working a salaried demanding job. Insurance doesn’t cover taking you off psych meds that slowly kill you. Nor is there a protocol to do so. I didn’t have medical coverage for weight loss surgery, or medications, or anyone to care for me even if I’d had coverage.
So when I came to you, asking for help, it was because I knew I was dying. Another round of COVID could knock me out, or maybe just my heart would finally fail. I did not know.
I asked both parents. I told them it would kill me.
I don’t know who else in the family knows. But I struggle to believe my sister could not have known, when she claims to be so dialed in.
They knew. So I tapered. For almost 2 years. Blind. While working. Not knowing what would happen because if I committed myself they would up the meds that caused the issues and my primary didn’t want to manage the symptoms. Doctors don’t practice medicine – they practice compliance. They practice insurance reimbursement. I was billed only as high blood pressure.
When I finally came off everything – I thought there would be an end to the withdrawal.
So I lived in that hell. For 5 months. 5 long months hoping it would end.
It never did. I went back on medication to end withdrawal.
That is what I cannot forgive.
Fuck what happened in my childhood, or before 2021.
You did not care if I lived or died.
And that is what finally flipped the switch – from believing there was something wrong with me.
Dana was right, for twenty years I wanted to believe my friend was wrong.
“Kelsey, there is nothing wrong with you – your family is just terrible”.
So thank you I guess, for finally setting me free.
Laughs and Lobotomies 