My psychiatrist once told me, years and years ago, that I should have more fun in my life. At that point in time I still felt guilty anytime I wasn’t being productive. I didn’t enjoy movies or tv shows or reading for pleasure – I always felt guilty I wasn’t working more hours in overtime or at whatever second job I had at the time or enrolling in classes again – whatever it was back then. Because I was always juggling a lot of things just to keep my head above water. And still drowning.
It took a long time to not feel like I had to fast-forward a TV show to save time. To just enjoy it.
And maybe that’s a small thing.
But if life isn’t here to be enjoyed, to be shared, if we can’t see through the sorrow to even the smallest moments of joy.
Then why are we fucking even here?
I had a conversation with my dad too, a few years ago. He said that the world is as you see it. And you can choose how you see it.
You can see the sorrows and the pain.
Or the love and the beauty.
It’s two sides to the same coin and for me – that coin – some days it is still spinning.
It’s hard and it’s complicated and it’s full of regrets and grief and someday – a seedling of hope.
Laughs and Lobotomies 