I promised laughs. And maybe through my tears I’m not ready for them again but sometimes we need them. My father and I had a complicated relationship. And you can always hope for more time and it doesn’t matter if you know how to forgive each other or if you are ready. God’s timeline is not yours. He taught me to read and I loved books. He introduced me to music and movies and culture from his youth and I loved them. I found his old Monty Python VHS and I fell in love. We watched 80s and 90s action movies together. We recommended comedy to each other – my dad loved to laugh. There was always a sorrow beneath. My mother had it too though she felt her sorrows differently. And that is a post for another day. And a reconciliation yet to come. But today is for Dad. He did say you have kids to keep you humble. So I think we can have a few laughs for dad, a few stories, and memories.
When my dad was teaching at one point he had a friend whose classroom he would run into with 2 yardsticks, toss one to his friend, get into a fencing pose, yell, “en guardé”, and then start fencing in the middle of his class. He may have jumped on his friend’s desk. It was Philadelphia public schools. Quite the ruckus. It took his friend quite a while to get his class back in order.
My dad was the only teacher at one school to volunteer for the student talent show. I think it was University City High, so he was 40+. He was Philadelphia Irish, just to paint the picture here. I’m so pale I burn in March. He wrote a rap song and performed as Colg-Money. The students loved it. When I visited for being your kid to school they called out to him in the hallways. I’m sure it was hysterical.
He loved the Ali G show – the early episodes, and introduced me to it. It gets real good when big names first start getting on it and don’t realize it is a prank interview.
He got deported from Jamaica in his 20s. He told me to stop telling people that. It was Easter so he spent a whole week in a Jamaican prison. He claimed he was set up as an American tourist.
He once told my mother mincemeat pie was made from an animal called a mince and proceeded to describe said animal in great detail. She believed him.
He stabbed himself cutting a frozen bagel twice that I know of bad enough to require plastic surgery and an ER visit. I threatened to get him one of those bagel guillotines for his own safety. Supposedly there were a few other ridiculous injuries where I was not to be told since he wouldn’t hear the end of it. I could write a novel on this topic. If the world made sense, Dad vs bagel would have gotten you, or like, falling off the roof putting up an inflatable Santa and reindeer to piss off the neighbors, not a fluke illness. Sorry Dad, I love you. This was your equivalent of being hit by a bus.
When he was sick supposedly he put my sister down as his spiritual advisor. I do hope this one is 💯 true and she tells it better anyway so my account may be off. He asked for a second opinion. So there’s like 4 people from other religions on this video call, she has to be in another room in a separate video call, and he’s asking questions and what not for awhile. And then says something like well none of you have answered what happens to me when I die. I think my brother and I are the only ones who could always tell when he was messing with someone for his own amusement. That story made me laugh. I’m glad you kept your pranking up Dad.
I have so many more. Every happy funny story I want to share. Not just the bad ones.
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars” ~Oscar Wilde
Laughs and Lobotomies 