Laughs and Lobotomies

I usually wear a cross around my neck.

Not every day, but most.

It is simple – steel, not silver.

And I got it long, because when I first started wearing it it was always beneath my shirt.

So it is a men’s cross, since it is simple and hangs low.  Women’s designs aren’t typically made that way.

It wasn’t anyone’s business but mine.  And I didn’t feel worthy.  I was a sinner.  I had been out of the church 20+ years.

I didn’t know the new words they say at mass now.

I am still getting used to it.

I have been a few times.

I took the cross off a few days ago.

I feel like in touching my skin it should burn me to hell.

I don’t feel like I belong in church

Stay away demon, you are not welcome here

But the metal is cool against my skin

And I put it back on again today.

And I wear it to remind myself that though I am not worthy I am welcomed.

That still I should come.

That still I should pray

And practice.

And hope.

And try to make one tiny little corner of the world a little better for one moment of one day.

Because is all we can do.

So I wear it to remind myself.  So hypocrite will ring in my ears like the noon church bells

So my penance is on my chest.

And my hope for better days.