Laughs and Lobotomies

I did watch it sister. You accused me of not watching but I did.

I wondered why you lifted up our shared family, as if they caused no harm.

You do not owe anyone the story of your mother, or of our family.

But watching THEM praised? That was hard to watch.

And watching you talk about this now wonderful life with a smile on your face and a sadness in your eyes that belied the smile…..that was harder.

We all carry our past.  I have always loved you.  I never understood the jealousy.  Our family was differently broken – you always should have been in it.  Every day.  From the start. From the day I drew breath until the day I died we needed our big sister.  It broke Dad.  You should have always been with dad.  Every moment.  The trips to the soda fountain, building snowmen, sledding, snowball fights, Bréan and I arguing (Dad he poked me again! No I didn’t!).  The bike rides.  You taught me how to tie my shoes because I struggled.  We all needed you.  And I know we are not your only siblings and she needed you too.  She needed you more maybe I don’t know.  Dad threw everything he had until there was nothing left to get you back.  There’s so many questions I will never know the answers to.

I can’t tell you how to live your life anymore than you can tell me how to live mine.

But I hope you find what you need.

I hope my brother finds what he needs.

I hope your sister finds what she needs.

Dad was imperfect as we all are.  I was still angry.  God doesn’t operate on my timeline.

I hope I can find forgiveness for my mother.  I am hopeful for that.

And I hope Bill Hudome is seen for the monster he is.

We don’t need to be together – maybe not now.

Maybe not ever.

I would be sad.  But I would rather you lived your own lives separate from me and you were happy – than you were in mine and still hurting.

So if I remind you of bad times, or you remind me of bad times, we must take care of ourselves.

So I wish you love, happiness, and peace.

And I pray I can find those things for myself, though perhaps I am less hopeful of that.