Laughs and Lobotomies

I came out late

Then quickly and chaotically

Then back

Then to Q again

Then to where I always was – me, I love who I love, honestly, completely, without regret.  For a night, for a lifetime, if our souls connect.

Or maybe you are a convenient cheese poof I can pop in my mouth on a bored weekday night.

Either way.

I spent years in denial.

Segmented.

But of course I had crushes – on boys and girls.

I was late on my first kiss, sex, serious relationships.

So I mostly just stayed dating and sleeping with men.

I toyed with the idea of dating women.

I sort of knew.

But I’d always chicken out.

But then there was her.

And my world stopped.

And I fell hard.

And I didn’t come out because I needed anyone to know of my queerness – what business was it of theirs who I slept with?

I came out because I needed them to know of her.

Because her I loved and I needed to shout that from the rooftops for her and if that meant embracing my queerness I would.

But you shouldn’t be in the closet when you fall in love.  Because I wasn’t comfortable with myself.  I could not handle stares.  I wasn’t ready.  I was a coward. 

So I left.  I crawled back in a deep dark dank space that was waiting and I left.

I love my husband.

But she deserved better.  She deserved the moon and the stars and the whole universe.

I gave her nothing.  Nothing good anyway.

I have a tattoo.  It shares characteristics with hers, but is not the same, so I can explain away a different meaning for it if I want.

Even in that I was a coward.

But I got it to remind myself.

Do not leave because you are afraid and you are unworthy.

Stay and make yourself worthy.

It’s been 10 years.  I’m still sorry for not being better.  You always deserved the whole universe.  I hope you have found it.